I'm over it...
I am just so very over my life right now. I am hating everything.
I am really really over my job. I find work very frustrating to be at every day. I feel very pressured to ask for a raise and for some reason I just can't get myself to ask for one, even though I whole heatedly believe I deserve one. It's been over a year and a half since the other person that work in the office with me was fired, and I am still getting paid less per hour than she was, and I'm doing both of our jobs! My bosses do pay for all of my insurance (they usually pay half for the employee), but they other lady in the office was getting her 'bonuses' too; they paid for her cell phone and she got 'bonuses' for selling certain jobs, but my boss specifically told me I wasn't able to get that bonus like she was. (It was some sort of an agreement we had at one point, and now I can't remember what I was getting out of the deal). I am alone a lot because they go on vacation frequently, and I don't mind that at all, but I feel like I work hard to make sure everything is taken care of and all I really get is a "We are so glad you work for us. I hope you know you can never leave!"..... I feel pressured to find a 'real job', and that I am wasting a college degree and I could be making so much more money somewhere else.
I am constantly trying to talk myself out of wanting a baby. I try to pretend that I don't care that I probably don't get to have kids of my own. But every single time I open Facebook or Instagram, all I see are pictures of all of my friends and their cute families and their babies and their pregnant bellies, or any time Daron says "Well, it's different for you because Bryan isn't your kid" I literally want to scream. I know that Daron really doesn't want to have more kids, even though he has never said we can't and he has been very supportive in trying to make it happen. We both agreed we would try for a while but at a certain point, if it wasn't going to happen, that we wouldn't try to force it with any drastic measures. And I'm guessing, three years into trying, that it's just not meant to happen and at some point we will need to do something to make sure it doesn't happen.
I hate having no friends. I miss having friends close by. That doesn't mean there aren't people we like, cause there are plenty of fun people we go to church with, or used to go to church with, or that we just know, but everyone has their own lives and things that keep them busy. They have a houses full of kids. We don't. We have one anti-social teenager who sits in his room and plays video games all night long.
I hate being fat. I had gastric plication surgery in June and my stomach was sewn pretty much in half. I have only lost barely 60 pounds since then and it's very depressing. I feel like I should be losing a lot more. It was expensive surgery and I feel like I've wasted a lot of money to only loose 60 pounds in just about four months. I think I'm just destined to be an ugly fat person no matter what drastic things I do.
I love Christmas. I love every single thing about Christmas. Music, shopping, gift giving, Christmas stories, Christmas commercials, Christmas movies, decorations, lights...it just makes me feel happy inside. But Christmas in Arizona is not happy for me at all. No matter what I do I just don't feel Christmassy here. Buying gifts at Christmas time has been very hard for me. Daron is EXTREMELY hard to buy for and I find it very frustrating to get him something good. Especially since he is such a good gift giver, and always has nice things for me. All of the kids I buy gifts for are teenagers, and they just want money not gifts, which is no fun. Growing up, Christmas was two full weeks long. We played games and watched movies and ate cookies and yummy food and just hung out and had fun! Here Christmas is a half a day. And this year it will be just me and Daron on Christmas. I am 31 years old. I wanted to have a house full of kids and fun Christmas times, and save the 'just me and Daron Christmas days' to a little later on in life.
I hate that I get so unhappy sometimes. I don't want to be an unhappy person. I love Daron and Bryan and his other kids and his family and my family. There is nothing that anyone is doing wrong that makes me sad. It just seems to be a lot of things that come together and then I get sad. I have a horrible habit of comparing my life to everyone else's, and since everyone only puts the good things out for people to see, I compare my worst moments to their best. It's not fair to myself to do that, but it's what I do nevertheless.