At the beginning of January this year I miscarried at about 8 weeks. It's about this time that, had I not miscarried, I would of been having a baby. It's SO WERID to think about that. Sometimes I cry alot when I think about it...other times I feel OK with the fact that I don't have kids with Daron yet. (Those days are usually after primary when the kids have been crazy and I'm glad I don't have to take any of them home with me!) Sometimes it's hard to see all of my friends having babies and families and sending kids off to school and having chore charts and carpools and cute lunch boxes. Most of the time, I try to focus on what I don't have to deal with...things such as:
Instead of all the things I'm missing out on, this these:
Lots of the time, I'm completely fine with the idea of not having any kids of my own. I love Darons kids and still get to experience some things, like football games and seminary and seeing Bryan grow up to be a really good kid. Most of the time, that's enough. But some of the time I just feel really sad that I may not ever get to be 'mom' to someone, and that my parents might not get to have any grandkids from me, and that I never get to do any of the cute baby ideas from Pinterest.
Daron and I have talked a lot about it, and I think we both are OK with our 'baby' plan. But...sometimes...and it's usually once a month when that lovely Aunt Flow comes to visit when lots of women around the world breath a sigh of relief that another month has gone by and they didn't get knocked up; it's usually that one time of the month that I try to keep it all in and not be sad about it or make a big deal about, but I just quietly say to myself ... "Dang...not this month I guess"...and I may cry a little...and I may be sad for a day...but I just know that really everything is how it's supposed to be and it will all be OK in the end. And if it's not OK, it's not the end.